Monday 27 July 2009
World's Most Dangerous Creature
First look and see the Whale under the water.
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.
Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, and click if necessary.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.
Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, and click if necessary.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html
Sunday 26 July 2009
Glasgow's Commonwealth Games
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.
Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found.
Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronized rock throwing and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Celtic supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.
Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found.
Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronized rock throwing and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Celtic supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.
Egg Shell Art - Lasers!
These egg shells were cut with a high intensity precision Laser Beam. This gives a very good idea of what can be achieved with a Laser Beam. This gives you an idea what laser surgery performed on one's eye is all about. Is it any wonder how one's vision can be improved in just a few moments? Science is sometimes wonderful, and it's still on the frontier of gaining new knowledge. Incredible what can be done with an eggshell and a laser beam.
Pearls of Wisdom
David Bissonette |
Sacha Guitry |
|
Anonymous |
Dumas |
Sigmund Freud |
Anonymous |
Sam Kinison | |
James Holt McGavra | |
Patrick Murra | |
Nash | |
Anonymous | |
Henny Youngman | |
Rodney Dangerfield | |
Anonymous | |
Anonymous | |
The Wine Scooter
The Wine Scooter
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Wine Scooter. The Wine Scooter
is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus
the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical
devices.
The Wine Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Wine Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Wine Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An
undocumented feature of the Wine scooter is the destruction of time segments
during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time
will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after
a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add-on that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Wine Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question
answered!
For the family man, Wine Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the
house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get
through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Wine Scooter. The Wine Scooter
is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus
the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical
devices.
The Wine Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Wine Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Wine Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An
undocumented feature of the Wine scooter is the destruction of time segments
during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time
will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after
a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add-on that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Wine Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question
answered!
For the family man, Wine Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the
house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get
through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
Scottish jokes
> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
>
> 'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
>
> 'Govan,' she replies.
>
> What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
>
> Oor Wullie.
>
> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
>
> 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
>
> `That's affa dear,' says the guy.
>
> 'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
>
> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
>
> He's awa' noo.
>
> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
>
> 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
>
> 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
>
> Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
>
> Coo eight.
>
> Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
>
> Which one's a Musketeer?
>
> The dark tan yin.
>
> A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
>
> 'Is there money in the box?
>
> 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
>
> While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
>
> 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
>
> And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
>
> What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
>
> Hawkeye The Noo.
>
> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
>
> A skean dhu.
>
> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
>
> Just Juan.
>
> 'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
>
> The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
>
> And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
>
> 'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
>
> A wee fly b*****d.
>
> Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
>
> It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
>
> Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
>
> Because the chef was Lou Ping.
>
> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
>
> 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
>
> Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
>
> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
>
> 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
>
> 'Piston broke,' he replies.
>
> 'Aye, same as masel...
>
> 'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
>
> 'Govan,' she replies.
>
> What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
>
> Oor Wullie.
>
> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
>
> 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
>
> `That's affa dear,' says the guy.
>
> 'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
>
> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
>
> He's awa' noo.
>
> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
>
> 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
>
> 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
>
> Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
>
> Coo eight.
>
> Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
>
> Which one's a Musketeer?
>
> The dark tan yin.
>
> A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
>
> 'Is there money in the box?
>
> 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
>
> While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
>
> 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
>
> And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
>
> What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
>
> Hawkeye The Noo.
>
> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
>
> A skean dhu.
>
> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
>
> Just Juan.
>
> 'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
>
> The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
>
> And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
>
> 'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
>
> A wee fly b*****d.
>
> Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
>
> It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
>
> Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
>
> Because the chef was Lou Ping.
>
> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
>
> 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
>
> Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
>
> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
>
> 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
>
> 'Piston broke,' he replies.
>
> 'Aye, same as masel...
Thursday 23 July 2009
Girls Night Out
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....(If
this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
Classic Irish Joke
>>>> Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
>> night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not
>> be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on
>> my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat
>> on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
>> himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Shoite,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Shoite!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
>> the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
>> shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
>> breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
>> sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
>> himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a
>> look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to
>> his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into
>> the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
>> coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
>>
>>
Sunday 19 July 2009
Scottish first aid
A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress.
Two locals, MacKenzie and Donald sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swalla ? Asked MacKenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' , desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breath ? Asked MacDonald.
The woman shook her head NO !!!
With that, MacKenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm, that the obstruction flew out of her mouth
and she began to breath again.
MacKenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Donald said in admiration, "Ya know MacKenzie, I'd heard of that bloody 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre',
but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it".
Extreme Sheep LED Art
This is amazing! Some clever sheep out there that's for sure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw
Passport records available online?
INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!
I have just received an e-mail stating that the personal information in our passports are now available online due to the move for globalized screening of entries and exits of people in most, if not all countries.
People trying to search and found their passport and was totally stunned to see it. You can too try......
http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport/
I have just received an e-mail stating that the personal information in our passports are now available online due to the move for globalized screening of entries and exits of people in most, if not all countries.
People trying to search and found their passport and was totally stunned to see it. You can too try......
http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport/
Tuesday 14 July 2009
Beer contains female hormones
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, University of Michigan scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,
100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then
observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you
know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
(And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! But only
if you think they can handle it!
Last month, University of Michigan scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,
100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then
observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you
know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
(And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! But only
if you think they can handle it!
Sunday 12 July 2009
The fine art of Scottish love making.
I was sent this by a scottish female friend, so don't blame me
PREPARATION
Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish male. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind is set on one thing LOVE! Or as he says, "Ma nookie!"
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, "Any chance o' ma hole?"
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.
This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious
reply, "Awa tae f_ck, ya bampot, ye!"
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of The male casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, Here we go."
Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and
sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless b@stard, "or possibly, "I'll tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae the Milkman."
FELLATIO
Oral is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?" Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler. "Guan yersel," she says, "jist dinnae bother me."
Undeterred by this slight rejection, the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. !
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consumate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F_ck me, I've shoat ma load."
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women
like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Snotters, Shite, a*sehole." The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, "Are you sure its in?"
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah,ooyah, gallus big man."
Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his willie on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
Aye, there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex
How smart is your right foot?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.
I could not believe it !
It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............
This will confuse your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so !
And there's nothing you can do about it !
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
I could not believe it !
It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............
This will confuse your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so !
And there's nothing you can do about it !
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Saturday 11 July 2009
15 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives
Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you are amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last ...
15. If a dog decides to leave you, it won't take half of your stuff.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you are amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last ...
15. If a dog decides to leave you, it won't take half of your stuff.
Only certain minds can read this...
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
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