Maths and Movies

Here is a wee-bit o’ calculi to help thee find yer all time favourite movie …
… … … Mine was Back to the Future -- Give it a whirl. It really does work! ...

· pick a number from 1 – 9

· multiply it by 3

· add 3

· multiply by 3 again

· now add the two digits together

your film is the one which corresponds to the number you have arrived at - now scroll down and see.










1. Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Predator

9. Gay Construction Boys in Leather taking it up the Arse Vol.2

10. Saving Private Ryan



Told you! -- It really does work!

Dog for Sale

Appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read her sales pitch below...



Dog For Sale;
Free to good home.
Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, molesters, or drug dealers left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Answers to the name of 'Holy Shit'

Wisdom of an older man

The Wisdom of an Older Man



An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere….'

Strangers on a train

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:
That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


And the Scottish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English c_nt again.....

Swine Flu Paranoia

There, I fixed it...

My Next Life by Woody Allen

Speeding excuses

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.

Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Eye eye...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead

Sitting at the next table.. He has been checking her out since he sat down,

But lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

Toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and

Hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

Theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest

Dreams and

He shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her

Place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,

Wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy

Is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to

Every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it)

Swine Flu Gone Mad