Glasgow's Commonwealth Games

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronized rock throwing and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Celtic supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.