The Wine Scooter

The Wine Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Wine Scooter. The Wine Scooter
is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus
the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical
devices.

The Wine Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Wine Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Wine Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An
undocumented feature of the Wine scooter is the destruction of time segments
during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time
will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after
a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add-on that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Wine Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question
answered!

For the family man, Wine Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the
house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get
through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.