All True

The missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist, "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?". "No," she replies "its just regular porn, ya sick bastard"

One oh ma mates has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?". He said, "Her brothers got a moustache!"