An Irish Family Tradition

An Irish Family Tradition 

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly
drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Granny,' he asked, "It's me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the
lake like me fa, his fa, and his fa before him?" 

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because
your fa, your grandfa and your great grandfa were all born in December,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

MARITAL BLISS..the Helicopter Ride

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year, Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. 

"If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. 

"If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny!

"But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!"

Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out.

"But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

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Cultural Differences

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following 

people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

Two French men and one French woman.

Two German men and one German woman.

Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

Two British men and one British woman.

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

Two American men and one American woman.

 One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun..

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping

It's Tough Getting Old

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical

with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

"I will need a urine sample,

a stool sample,

and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing,

turns to his wife and asks,

"What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS !


IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT . . . . !!!


Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'  The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.

Photographic proof of Bin Laden's burial at sea

It's a cracker!

Three aspiring psychiatrists from three universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Oxford University,

'What is the opposite of joy?

''Sadness' said the student.

'And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from Cambridge.

'Elation,' she said.

'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University,

'How about the opposite of woe?'

The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up